PlayStation 5ive Announcement Shakedown

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Imagine our shock here at Consolevania Towers when the bold Mark Cerny unleashed all sorts of info about PlayStation 5 in an interview with WIRED. We were like that - “What? It’s a Tuesday!”

So here’s what we know. PlayStation 5 will:

  • Need to be plugged into a telly.

  • Have new hardware in it, instead of just all the same bits.

  • Have an eight-core Ryzen or something in its graphics thing.

  • Have a GPU based on an AMD, or an AMD based on a GPU, that means it can trace rays.

  • Be able to attach to that 8K telly you don’t own.

  • Possess 3d sound, instead of just the normal flat sound that falls into your ears vertically.

  • Come fitted with an SSD (Some Sorta Drive) instead of a hard drive, so that your boring open-world game can load in all its mindless collectables more easily.

  • Be able to still do a PSVR into it, so that you can do the PSVR thing where your eyes are another being’s eyes in a nightmarish hellscape.

  • Come out in the shops in the future, where you might not even be alive.

  • Be 500 quid, probably.

  • At least.

FRIDAY NIGHT CONSOLEVANIA: BEHIND THE SCENES - TWO BOSSES

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You've wondered exactly how the magic happens... For the first time ever, we go behind the scenes, uncut, as a classic Two Bosses skit is constructed. Consolevania's most popular comedy conceptions, laid bare in the rawest part of their brilliant creation.

"Improvisation, yes. Scripting, yes. Stuntwork, yes. But there is a special magic, a kind of alchemy, in the relationship between these performers and their characters and their audience." - Brian Blessed, on Consolevania

FEATURE: On Cheating; or Every Fucking Game Is On Easy Nowadays

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FEATURE: On Cheating; or Every Fucking Game Is On Easy Nowadays

Hi, it’s Rab Florence here. I’m 41 years old and I’ve never cheated at a computer game in my life.

Or maybe I have. I can’t remember. But I don’t think I have. And I come from the past, that place where 95% of all computer games were hard as fuck and made you feel like punching a hole in your bedroom wall. And your bedroom was in a council-built house, so the walls were like paper. And your mammy would be raging.

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FLASHBACK: Puzzle & Dragons Z + Puzzle & Dragons Super Mario Bros. Edition - Nintendo 3DS

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FLASHBACK: Puzzle & Dragons Z + Puzzle & Dragons Super Mario Bros. Edition - Nintendo 3DS

When Puzzle & Dragons released on the Nintendo 3DS, it landed attached to a Super Mario Bros-themed edition of the game. Two games for the price of one! But I’m just focusing on the main Puzzle & Dragons Z game here, because I think it’s an underrated wee thing, and you can probably pick it up right now for about a tenner.

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Free Denims For Your Time At Portia

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I love farming games. Harvest Moon? Rune Factory? Love them. Stardew Valley? That too.

So, I have high hopes for My Time At Portia, the farming lifestyle game that hits your consoles on the 16th of this month. If you get in early, you’ll get a free pair of denims. I’m serious. Not real-life denims. Game denims. Virtual Denims - what I like to call “VD”.

Take a look at this video. Game looks nice, eh? From our pals at Team17 anaw. And there’s a big bear waving at you, and he looks like he’s off his dome on all that farm-grown MDMA.

What’s your favourite farming game?

My Time At Portia comes to Nintendo Switch, PS4 and Xbox One on April 16th 2019. Pre-order to receive the Housewarming Gift Set!

Shadowgate Returns! (Again)

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The recent PC do-over of the classic old point and click dungeon-explorer Shadowgate is coming to consoles on the 11th of April. That means you can buy it for your Switch and explore the big scary castle on the move.

I’ve got a real soft spot for this game. It’s not perfect, but it’s atmospheric, difficult and very old-school. It’s full of hard puzzles, red herrings and unfair deaths. But there’s just something about it. A kind of nostalgic magic.

I recommend checking it out if you’re interested in old games made new (but not too new).

Here’s a wee video from back when the Kickstarter for the remake launched, with the original designers talking to you like a couple of friendly old das.

Sega Mega Drive Mini Gets A Release Date

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If you’re anything like your good pal Rab, then you probably enjoy buying new things that remind us of old things to numb the pain of getting old. The latest object to sit gathering dust in your house is the Sega Mega Drive Mini, and now we have a release date! September 19th!

The SMDM will probably be about 60 or 70 quid, and here is a list of the games we know to be among the 40 that will be preloaded on this extremely desirable inessential object.

  • Sonic the Hedgehog​ (Of course)

  • Ecco the Dolphin (Admirable shite)

  • Castlevania: Bloodlines (Good yin)

  • Space Harrier 2 (Garbage)

  • Shining Force (Really good, classic status, you won’t play it)

  • Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine (Och, it’s awright)

  • Earthworm Jim (Overrated)

  • Comix Zone (Nice gimmick, you’ll play it for three minutes)

  • Altered Beast (Absolutely rid rotten)

  • Gunstar Heroes (Magic)

So that’s that. You getting wan?

Sword Art Online *checks spelling* Alicization Lycoris is coming WEST!

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Great news for fans of Sword Art Online Aliciz- Haud oan. Alicization Lyc- Wait a minute.

Great new for fans of Japanese anime-rpg things. The game I mentioned in the heading of this post is coming West, to PS4, Xbox and Steam. Speaking personally, I don’t know anything about “Sword Art Online”, but my journalistic instincts led me to this information on the dark-web website Wikipedia:

Sword Art Online is a Japanese light novel series written by Reki Kawahara and illustrated by abec.

I’ve heard that the previous computer games aren’t much cop, but really - who trusts a games reviewer these days? I’ll tell you what is good - this awkward chat about all the Sword Art Online stuff, full of completely baffling patter about Phantom Bullets and stuff. Absolutely mystifying and charming.

You Missed Out On: Culdcept Revolt (3DS)

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You Missed Out On: Culdcept Revolt (3DS)

Rab here, and it makes me really sad that you missed out on Culdcept Revolt on Nintendo 3DS, because it really is one of the best games on that system. It’s a belter.

If you were ever to see me in the wild and try to kill me, by sticking a knife into my right hip pocket area, then it’s likely that my life would be saved by my Nintendo 3DS. And the main reason why it’s in my pocket blocking the knife you killed your family with? Culdcept Revolt.

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New Game With Wee Lassies In It Out On Switch Today

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For fans of games featuring wee lassies cutting about fighting and that and making wee lassie noises while wearing clothes that wee lassies wear, there is a new wee lassie game out on Switch today.

It’s called Croixleur Sigma, and here’s a brand new screenshot of a wee lassie wearing glasses and rabbit ears like a wee rabbit, fuck knows.

Haud oan. “Gentleman’s Hair”? Might need to try this one out actually.

Haud oan. “Gentleman’s Hair”? Might need to try this one out actually.

It’s too easy to make a snap judgement on these wee lassie games, so maybe we should actually review them before we say anything. That would be the proper journalistic thing to do. The games might not actually be as dodgy as they look. I mean, it’s only 13 quid, and it features “hack and slash action”, and we all love a bit of that.

So let’s not be too judgey, and we’ll just—

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Aw here noo.

Come on tae fuck, man.

Resonate Tickets On Sale Tomorrow!

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Eckies at the ready!

Eckies at the ready!

Resonate, Glasgow’s biggest dance rave festival, has-

WAIT A MINUTE! It’s a games hing? Oh, it’s a games hing. Put the drugs away.

The press release says it all:

“Tickets go on sale tomorrow (Friday 29 March) for Resonate, Scotland’s ultimate gaming experience, which is returning to the SEC, Glasgow from 20-21 July 2019.
 With a star-studded line-up of talent already confirmed, some of the biggest global names in the worlds of gaming and YouTube will be heading to the city.
 Reaction and commentary YouTuber, WillNE, who is one of the most popular creators on the platform currently, is amongst those signed up for the game-filled event.”

I’m glad to hear that WillNE will be there. I would have been disappointed to hear that he WillNE be there.

Get tickets from: http://www.resonatetotalgaming.com/

FIRST LOOK: Gems Of War - Nintendo Switch

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FIRST LOOK: Gems Of War - Nintendo Switch

When you’re playing Gems of War on your wee Nintendo Switch, there’s a thought that hangs in your head - a thought you can’t easily ignore. That thought is: “I’m playing absolute garbage.”

But is it garbage? Is it really? Or have we just been programmed to instantly assume that any kind of easy-to-play, real money-sapping free-to-play game is automatically a bad thing built on weak foundations? What is our response when we enjoy every second of that ever-satisfying match-three gameplay loop? What do we do then? Where is your god now?

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Streets Of Rage 4: First Gameplay Trailer

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The first gameplay trailer for Streets of Rage 4 has landed, and it looks like some terrible mobile game or something. Look, that’s just what it looks like to me (Rab) so shut up. No, but seriously, it looks too clean or something.

Streets of Rage?

Streets of Outrage more like. As in - outrageous.

Maybe. It might turn out to be brilliant. The press release says: “Streets of Rage 4 is the first installment to the mainline series in more than two decades and will revitalize the iconic baddie-bashing gameplay with modern touches, fresh pulsing jams, and more surprises to be revealed. “

I’m really looking forward to those fresh pulsing jams. Hoping for a blackberry jam myself.

Google, What Are You Uptae?

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Rab here. Today’s the day we find out what Google are up to (apart from trying to take over the world and solidify its role within a corporation-ruled dystopian hell-future). Will it be a new console? Will it just be some kind of streaming carry-on that is no use to me with my terrible internet connection in Helensburgh.

We’ll know soon, and report it on these pages!

UPDATE: Ah, never mind, it was a lot of shite.